Category Archives: Humor

A Head of the game

I went on a toboggan

And I hurt my little noggin

We had no helmets back when we were three

I played a game of hockey

With bigger kids, so cocky

And whacked me noggin once again, you see

One time when we went swimming

And the day was quickly dimming

I jumped into the lake so foolishly

And cracked my head upon a rock

I didn’t see was by the dock

They pulled me out and yelled “Emergency!”

One night, it had been raining

Upon the ice remaining

And everything was slick and slippery

My feet went out from under

And my head was burst asunder

(Or so it felt, when it came back to me)

I helped a lady build a shelf

She could not do it by herself

We hammered and we sawed ’til it was three

I went to stand up quickly

And hit my head so thickly

On a board that had been fastened over me

 

So, these are my excuses

If I seem like silly gooses

And write some ditties hardly worth a penny

It’s just this poor old noggin

And that nasty old toboggan

And the forty whacks I had were one too many.

 

 

Would you like beef with that pizza?

  • Few people turn on their outside lights at night, which means you sometimes have to do arithmetic and count down from the one house that does have its lights on, in order to find their address.  Please, if you order something, I assume you want me to find your place.
  • After driving around for five minutes trying to find a house in the dark, I walk up to their door (in darkness) and ring the bell.  Someone opens it, and still does not turn the light on.  I tell them what the total is, and they present their credit card.  Still no lights.  I confess I got a little impatient and said “could we have some lights on?”  Oh sorry they say.  They turn it on, they pay, and then immediately turn it off, leaving me to stumble down stairs in the dark.  No tip, presumably because of my poor demeanour.
  • I pull up to a big fancy house, with the lights on—yay!  It’s a $23 order.  They want to pay $5 on debit card, and the rest in cash.  Ok then.  But the debit card is declined.  She has ten dollars in cash,  the rest in coin.  Mostly quarters, dimes and nickels.  Still short by two bucks, so she calls her husband to come out with his debit card.  We do it for two bucks.  He looks pissed off, and leaves the scene without comment.  No tip.
  • Next stop….15 km.  into the bush.  Long and winding road into their country mansion.  I pull up, and am just about to get out of the car, when it seems they have released the hounds.  Four of them surround my car with ominous growls.  I open the window and say to the lady “is it okay if I stay in the car?”  She says oh, they are fine.  They won’t do anything unless I tell them to.  I say I would prefer to hand the pizzas out through the window.  She looks pissed off.  It’s a $110 order.  Tip was two bucks.

I don’t think I am cut out for this.

Notes from the pizza run

Some sage observations from my two month career as a pizza delivery man.

  • There are lots and lots of houses with invisible addresses.
    (Can’t see them after dark, numbers have fallen off, etc.).  Come on, people.
  • When you finally find your destination, in the dark, down a narrow dusty road in the middle of the bush, it’s a good idea not to get out of the car.  Flash your lights and honk your horn if necessary.  They will eventually come out, along with their four trusty hounds.
  • Do not always trust Google.
  • If a statuesque blonde answers the door, clad in nothing but a towel, struggle to maintain eye contact and keep a straight face.  Even if she says “Hi, Pizza Man!”
  • If, when the door opens, some funny smelling smoke drifts out, be prepared for  semantic difficulties.  (One customer could barely speak, then left me standing there for five minutes while he went to find his phone, thinking he could use his banking app to pay.  Then didn’t know how to use it.)
  • If you have the option of not putting the pizza sign on your car, don’t.  It makes it less uncomfortable if you have to pull any slightly illegal moves on the road.
  • Squirrels are notoriously poor decision makers.

I’ve enjoyed the ambiance of working in a busy well run establishment.  The exuberant repartee of the mostly young crew.  Their forgiveness of neophyte mistakes.  The hugs they give one another when they leave for the night.  The absence of any prejudice, within a crew of different races.  Just people talking to people working with people.

  • The pay stinks, but I think I’ll stay.

Caturday

When you’re home alone, and you don’t think about closing the bathroom door, it is one of the absolute certainties in life that you will hear a little thump on the living room floor, and a click click click, as the cat jumps down from his window perch, and pads along the hallway to come and stare at you while you’re sitting on the throne.  This is more important and entertaining to him than his usual pastime of licking his behind.

Someone wrote on Twitter the other day that if you get into a staring contest with a cat, and begin to wonder how intelligent it is, you can be assured that the cat is thinking the same thing about you.

We had an old tuxedo cat that lived to be about 18, and he was my infallible companion.  Followed me everywhere, and we somehow got into a game that was mutually fun.  He would lie down on the bed and eye me expectantly, knowing what was gonna happen next.  It started off with my lightly touching each of the pads on his four paws until he got pretty pissed off and grabbed me.  At the moment of the grab, I would toss him up in the air until he did a complete somersault.  He learned to enhance the thrill by going totally limp as soon as I grabbed him, so as to make it more graceful.  This went on for many years, until I buried him last year.  Cried like a baby.

Two of the surviving three (yes, three), seem to have wanted to train as his replacement, so I now have double the pleasure of being followed and pestered incessantly, and, yes, they are eager to learn the mattress games.  The third, who is the youngest and fattest, seems incapable of thinking about anything other than food.

cartcat2

 

Coffee thoughts

my eyes were growing furry coats
i peered through layered lashes
and thought i saw some billy goats
with peppery moustaches

from out my mouth came rabbit teeth
just like my younger sister’s
and to the South (just underneath)
some honorary whiskers

my nose was flat and wiggly
i snuffled in the dirt
just like that little piggly
emblazoned on my shirt

but, now it’s time to say goodbye
to wooly-minded thoughts
and think, instead, of pumpkin pie
and bubbling coffee pots!

I wore a Woodpecker

as I was sipping Sleepy Tea
A little birdie came to me
And settled down upon my very head

It was a sight, all blue and white
It seemed to grin, the little sprite
Its crowning crest was fire engine red

I tried to catch it with my eye
But it was slippery and sly
And made its home the wrong side of my neck

Its Velcro feet were pretty neat
And when I looked, our eyes would meet
It stuttered “Nighty Night”, and gave a peck

Now, I was wanting for my bed
A chance to lay my weary head
To hum a lullaby, perchance to dream

But it just gave a crazy trill
And started in to peck and drill
And me, I tried to grab it, with a scream

It fluttered with its stuttered cry
And floated like a butterfly
And all at once it pecked me on my nose

Then finally it flew away
And, at the fading of the day
I slipped into a deeply deeply doze

I woke too soon, not feeling good
With achy breaky head of wood
And sawdust shavings all about my pillow

I cursed his name, and little game
The mighty mite I couldn’t tame
And blubbered like a weepy weepy willow.

Snake oil

This modern day

The ads exclaim

When selling us their pills

Can help! Can help!

(A weakling’s claim)

They’ll never cure our ills

The promises they make are rash

They see themselves as clever

And think we’ll pay our hard earned cash

For snake oil cures

No, never!

The doubtful claims are bold and shiny

And now we all have hope

The side effects they wish were tiny

(And so they softly spoke)

This drug, it’s not for everyone

And so you must be cautious

May cause rash or swollen tongue

And might just make you nauseous

So, thinking persons, don’t be dense

These warnings, printed finely

Should make you use your common sense.

”Twas given you, divinely.