Category Archives: Humor

Hooligan Heaven

June bug down your jersey
(Never jumped so high)
A one-eyed cat
A broken bat
A stolen piece of pie

A snake it was, a garter
That made you run so fast
You tortured things
You pulled off wings
Your parents were aghast

A paper cup of doggie-doo
You put on someone’s porch
Soaked in gas
(You silly ass)
And lit it like a torch.
When they rushed to stamp it out
You hid behind a tree
Then watched them curse and jump about.
You giggled with such glee.

One time, your little brother
(An accomplice, without fail)
Cooked a rat
Then grabbed a cat
And swung it by its tail

The kitty cat survived this test
And landed on its feet.
Your brother, under house arrest,
Still thought ’twas “pretty neat”.

Incorrigible hooligans
You broke your mommy’s glasses.
When Dad found out
He gave a shout
And tanned your little asses.

At the X-Ray dept.

Well, I went in for a CT scan today. More about that in a minute. If you’re lucky enough not to have been for X-rays, you may not relate to some of this. What is with those gowns they make you put on? The nurse tells you ” please strip from the waist down (or waist up), and put on the gown. It ties up in the back.” Yes. Sure. It ties in the back. Now, I have always prided myself on being able to tie my own shoes with a flourish, but trying to tie bows behind your back is like doing brain surgery with a catchers mitt on. Why can’t they give you a bathrobe style thing with a string around the waist that you can do up? Easier and more dignified. They’re going to want it open anyways, right? And don’t even get me started about those ones with three arm holes.

As for the scan, the first thing she tells me is that they are going to put a bigger than normal needle into me so they can inject the special fluid into my system. Right away, I am at ease. And, it hurt like freaking hell. To add to the calmness, she informs me that the special fluid has certain properties, and can cause certain reactions, the most common of which are hot flashes and an instant urge to pee. Less common side effects can include difficulty breathing, and numbness in the lips. I am to report these things so they can give me an emergency antidote. Fine. Just fine. I am on the table now, rolling slowly towards the scanner. I hear a voice say OK Mr. Dunn, here comes the fluid. Almost instantly, I have a fever, a bad taste in my mouth, and I really really have to pee. (Actually, I had to go before I even got on the table, but was too embarrassed to say anything).

Then, the machine itself speaks to me. “Take a deep breath, and hold it for 15 seconds”.

Please, just kill me now.

Just cuttin’ my lawn

The terror of Godzilla

The mighty King of Kong

Ain’t nothin’ like the thriller

Of mowin’ my front lawn

Seven primes and seven pulls

It takes, to start the beast

The horsepower, the raging bulls

Strikes fear, to say the least

I care but not a mere pittance

For the forests I destroy

I show ’em my omnipotence

In the tactics I employ

There’s Henry, King of Fire Ants

He’s running for his life

In nothing but his underpants

Without his nasty wife

The bumblebees and butterflies

I spare ’em when I can

and watch ’em as they flutter by

It’s in the master plan

I blunder on, so nonchalant

and never have a care

Supreme am I, the Commandant

Come at me if you dare

But, one sad day, I felt a jolt

That made me stop and stare

The Crows had staged a mad revolt

and gave me quite a scare

The angry birds had organized

to help their helpless friends

They had me truly terrorized

I had to make amends

So now, today, my cutting’s done

I’ve given up for good

My weeds and grass, they’re having fun

The talk of the neighborhood.

 

Doppelgänger

 

 

Last night I was dying the sleep of the dead

It lasted for forty one hours

It must have infected my intimate head

Because now I have heavenly powers

As I lie in my armchair, I’m watching with glee

As I sip at my hot whisky toddy

The housework is done by a double of me

But another is moving his body

 

https://poetlee.ca/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/doppelganger_3_by_doppelganger47.jpg

 

Salt Sea Calm

I heard that they will float you
In a sea of Epsom Salt
To ease away your tension
And things that aren’t your fault

You’re naked, with a blindfold
The water is just right
Then the doctors mention
“Do not put up a fight”.

“We’ll use you as a guinea pig
To get our readings true.
They will defy convention,
And we’ll be famous, too!”

At last you’re disconnected
From all that you can sense.
Your body’s forced attention
Is now in the past tense.

It’s only mind and ego
And the longer that you stay
You’re calmed by this invention
All troubles melt away.

picture credit to:  https://floathouse.ca/blog-archive/float-tanks-within-cognitive-science

 

 

More cat trouble

just outside my bedroom door
that little beggar waits
it’s finished all the bowls of food
and licked the empty plates

it’s pigeon-toed and cross-eyed
a ghastly sight to see
belly drags upon the floor
and a gaze that’s fixed on me

I think it has a pocket watch
(it always knows the time)
and sidles to my bedroom door
upon the stroke of nine

anticipation’s in its eye
(the left one, so I think)
the right one sends the signals out
and neither one will blink

and so I rise, attempting to
ignore its nagging yip
I walk on past, it catches up
and tries to make me trip

every day I lose the fight
the wife, she thinks it’s funny
I think I’ll help it pack its bags
and give it bus fare money

she says we can’t have company
no more, ’cause it’s no use
if someone sees it, we’ll be charged
with animal abuse.

 

 

 

Some mothers do have ’em

So, I went to the store to buy kitty litter for the little honeys. I always buy the ten pound bag. Today, they only had 50 lb. bags. I lugged it home, then nearly fell down the stairs with it. At that very moment, mister kitty decides it’s time to go to the bathroom, so I hastily empty the old stuff, wash out the tray, and refill it while he’s eyeing every move that I make. Here you go kitty, I’ll set it down for you, a nice fresh box. He scratches around, then balances on the edge and craps on the floor.

I’m driving in downtown traffic with the wife, and I notice there’s a vacant lane. I can’t believe my luck. We’re sailing past all the gridlock, when she says to me “What are those funny marks on the road?” We’re in a bus lane, going the wrong way, and one’s coming right for us. True story.

On the highway this time. There’s serious construction up ahead, and I have moved 45 feet in 45 minutes. No hope of an exit. Damn, I wish I hadn’t have gulped that extra large coffee, “one for the road”. I really really really have to pee now. There are transports on both sides of me, and they’ve got a bird’s eye view just as I start to seriously consider using that empty coffee cup. I’m wondering if they’ll notice how I set things up, complete with a newspaper tent over the whole business.

I see an ad for a beautiful wooden file cabinet, just the kind I’m looking for. The people who have it live 30 miles away, but I decide to take the drive. I get there, and they are waiting in the driveway, all smiles. I back up to load it, and find out it is exactly one inch too big, in any direction, to fit into my vehicle. We’re all standing around scratching our heads, and I actually consider tying it to my roof, but no one has any rope. The guy goes to his garage and comes out smiling again with an assortment of screwdrivers and wrenches. We perform a complete disassembly and all is well. Home again, and I carry the parts in five trips into the house. Damn, I think, this is like a freaking Tetris puzzle. Next step: browse about 39 pages of Ikea cabinets, only to find out I can’t get the instruction manual from them. Finally wind up paying some schmuck ten bucks because he has a PDF printable file of it. Drive to the hardware store for that one special screwdriver I don’t have. Then, in one magical afternoon, it is finally done. I go to move it into place, and wonder why it is so rickety.

I forgot the glue.

Marshmallow Moon

Me and my dear daughter
Are a-goin’ to the moon
She’s pilot of our spaceship
And we’ve gotta get there soon

We’re bringin’ back some samples
Of rocks an’ dymond jools
We know somebody up there
We’ve never been no fools

She fires up the thrusters
Her job, it is to land
I’m suited up and ready
To go at her command

The ‘Puter says we’re landed
Though our ship, it seems to bounce
So tipsy and unsteady
Like it didn’t weigh an ounce

We finally seem to settle
The ladder, down I climb
With shovel and a pick axe
I hope we’re here in time

Our man we knew had told us
The “Window” was so shallow
But late we were, and so the moon
Had turned into marshmallow

A peculiar guy?

Haha….today’s little spot of amusement.

I had stopped along a country road to take a photo of an interesting tree, standing by itself.  I had to navigate a shallow ditch to get into proper position.  As I was doing so, a Police Officer pulled up behind my car.  My first thoughts were Oh oh.  Am I trespassing? Perhaps she thinks I am peeing in public?  Or maybe doing an illegal drop off?
Of course, what actually happened was that she opened her window, kind of gave me a look, and said “Are you alright?”.  Yes, Officer, I was….ah….just taking a shot of this pretty tree.  She looked from me to the tree, then back, gave kind of a funny smile, then waved goodbye.

Hopefully, we made each other’s day.