got good at hiding it,
you think.
but, someone will see you,
and they’ll know.
the things you do
that are just a bit, um,
abby normal.
the way you let your lips get dry
then bite on that thin strip of skin.
pull it off.
taste the bitter blood.
encourage that wonky hangnail.
wait for the right moment to yank.
do the red watercolours
somewhere inconspicuous.
let your pain matriculate,
bone deep.
tell no one of this atonement.
connoisseur of cultivated anguish.
Category Archives: mental health
How to be insensitive
The held back tears
of a smarting sting.
The shame overheard
in a chance eavesdrop
(that slow knife, rusting in place
and broken off at the handle).
The social dread,
the uttered stutter.
Where do we put such medals?
Because
they’re not becoming of a man.
Some days
Some days,
it’s the tilt of a chubby face,
bright sun on rosy cheek,
smiles a daring smile.
Holders of doors,
thankyous said.
A girl with a broken wiper
gets help in the cold,
and someone lets you in on the highway.
Some days,
we’re in the matrix.
night thoughts
Touch
Yes, I know
now
The warmth of nearness
The barber
The masseuse
I pay
I do
for more than what’s needed
For the expected
the guaranteed
the scheduled.
Tremble
Does it rush at you,
too quickly and sinister,
as if lying in wait for a wakening?
You had a fondness for a thing
ambered now,
in its beauteous fade.
What’s left for us,
after such withdrawal,
stewed, now, in the certainty of worry?
Chastened in the land of hurry.
The spoiler
It’s all out of tune
now, notes
melting into minor keys,
fifths, diminished.
Down they go,
as if dribbling south
on cold glass.
Sweated,
unredeemable.
bed of lies
Bones.
Things that balloon
or are meaty.
Some swollen.
Sore sinews,
feeble signals.
The living pain.
Where is redress?
Where is forgive?
We hang
in the balance.
Memento
When they went to clean out the dead man’s room, one could see their noses wrinkle from the smell of his cigar years. There was sweeping and wall washing to be done, but the first thing was to get that stuck window open. Brother John was dispatched to the hardware for a crowbar. Their old man had really been a slob. Floors, furniture, and nearly all other surfaces were rimed over with a thin coating of smoke-embedded grease, and the tile floor was cracked and puckered.
A fold-up easel leaned against the wall by a closet door, and a battered metal case stood beside it. Since his retirement at age 60, Henry and his loosely-knit family had fallen away from one another. When it became clear that all he wanted to do was smoke and paint, mother had cut her losses and ran. Henry took this dim little room above a second-hand store. He had enough money to provide each of them with a meagre living and to buy himself unhealthy food and have it brought to him.
And he painted. Once a month, in summers, he would slide some of his canvasses into the back of his Ford pickup, and set up shop in the pothole parking lot of a small plaza. His stuff was different, oddly pleasing, and a cut above what you would find at Woolworth’s or Kresge’s. John and Sheila had seen his work, and thought it strange but mediocre.
This night, as they aired the place out and began scrubbing, Henry’s landlord came to the door to see how things were progressing. Sheila asked him if he knew of a key that their father might have kept for the lock on his closet door. “No, and that will need fixing too, once you get it off. And no, I don’t have no bolt cutters.” John nodded, and made another trip to the hardware store.
The deed was done, and the door creaked open with a musty smell. Dad’s old football jacket, a beanie, some mitts, and a pair of snow boots. A half dozen shirts that looked as if each might have been devoted to a day of the week, and one worn twice on weekends. And, on the floor in the darkest corner, some rectangular bundles wrapped in towels and tied with twine.
The two kids, having no tools of their own, used the bolt cutters on the heavy string. When they unfolded the towels, they found Henry’s treasures. Three paintings as real as photographs. The first depicted a man’s shirted shoulder, and his hairy arm with a rolled up sleeve. A leather belt dangled from his fist. In the background was a blurred shadow. A small figure cowering on the floor with its hands protecting its head. The second, in stark relief, was of the man’s fist, held up in a threatening manner. A gold signet ring leered back at the viewer. John and Sheila knew that ring.
The last was a portrait of a boy, barely into his teens. His bruised face and contorted mouth told all that was needed. The boy was Henry. Besides his cuts and bruises, he had one other thing to remember his father by.
***
Photo by Brett Hurd.
Muffled rumors
and, why did you cry
when you saw that cute little girl
in the TV commercial?
She was laughing and happy,
but you cried.
In these bumbling years of ours,
never would you talk about being a kid.
But someone who knew
told, in a monotone,
about closets
locked from the inside,
and fist-sized holes in the walls.
The slow burn
i am one with hands
hang they like meats today
grab one that’s numb
work it up and down
hold it by the thumb
gelatinous with bones
the slow burning of hope
has reached there at last
but its heat doesn’t warm
at all
