A room’s been built for me
I think
They cubed it
Such by such by such
No closet to incubate monsters
No dark shiny eyes and secret smiles under the bed
The narrow door locks from the outside
And from the inside
Oh, and no window to let in
the unwanted sun.
And, I can get out.
Sure I can.
As long as those creaky hinges
don’t fall to rust.
Category Archives: spiritual
At the gate
I bring cats to Restful Acres. I guess they’re called therapy animals now.
I’m a widower, in my 50’s, and fortunate enough to have time on my hands. In the last few years, the faces here have come and gone, and some have become friends to me. My old Mum was a mainstay here, but she passed just over a year ago.
There’s an old fellow that came here about two months back. I don’t know his circumstances, but I can tell you that I’ve never seen him have any company. His name is George, and each time I come, I bring The Captain with me to try and cheer him a little.
Captain is a fat old grey tabby with a bent tail and only one eye. I “rescued” him from a sordid life on the streets, although I think he mainly resents being domesticated. But, he is gentle enough with people and affectionate to a degree.
When I come, George is always in his big rocking chair. It’s an antique, and no doubt belongs to him or to his family. Its ornate woodwork and plush upholstery seem at one with his ever-present cardigans of cashmere and their buttons of bone. Today’s colour is a pale mauve. Yesterday’s was pastel green. I think he may have one for each day of the week.
George does not speak. Indeed, he has never made a sound in my presence, save for the occasional and unavoidable escape of gas. I have learned that he has his own private nurse, and that he must have come from a well established family, for he is always impeccably groomed. No hair out of place, moustache trimmed just so, manicured hands, cologne in just the right amount. The nurse tells me that he is a veteran of two wars, and that he has not spoken since his arrival. She encouraged me to come visit him with the cat, as nothing else had seemed to reach him.
The first two visits I made did not evoke a response. I made no attempt to speak to him, save to ask him if he would like to hold the Captain. His startling eyes stared at a point a little above him and to the right, as if in contemplation of a thing terrible or celestial, and he seemed not to blink. The offer of the cat had no effect upon him, even if I set it gently in his lap. The third time I came, I noticed that while his big hands rested palm down on the flat of the rocker’s arms, his right index finger was keeping up a steady beat upon the wooden surface. Like a metronome, it never lost or gained time. After watching this for a spell, I realized that each beat was exactly one second. The clock on the wall confirmed this.
I will say that nine minutes had elapsed with his steady tapping when he stopped abruptly and turned his hands palm up. His stare did not change, but he leaned forward slightly and brought his hands together. I knew this was Captain’s moment, and I placed him gently into George’s hands. He leaned back, gathered the cat to his chest, and for the first time guided his gaze away from its singular focus. George was now present, at least for the moment, as he bent his head to study the purring animal he was stroking. I could not see his face clearly, but I fancied I saw a slight crinkling of that grey moustache as a smile of serenity spread. As he raised his face, his eyes were closed and wet with tears. His bottom lip quivered before he regained some control, and then he handed Captain back to me. I offered him a handkerchief. He gave the smallest nod, and took it to wipe his eyes.
Two deep breaths he took, then raised his chin once more, his eyes moving back to that point inscrutable. I then felt like an interloper, a voyeur, because I could see quite clearly that George was reliving something. Terror, shame, blame, courage, and things unholy were shown out in the rendering of his spirit. Now I knew that George had only been waiting. Waiting at the gate.
Deep rest
Normally I do not post preachy sayings or quotations. This one is an exception.

It was a dark and stormy night…
Storms don’t bother him any more.
The rumble and tumble of distant thunder
brings a modest smile to his face,
and one could guess, from his inward look, its peculiar comfort.
In his mind are the blankets of his childhood bed.
Dirty grey and dark inside,
but soft and safe.
Safe with his own private sun.
Muting giants’ voices
perhaps until the morning.
Always there to hide his fearful tears.
All in the mind
[Person] What are we?
[Other] Children
[Person] Why are we?
[Other] To grow. To love. To explore. To find.
[Person] To find what?
[Other] Your way to me.
[Person] Are there others like us?
[Other] Myriad. Legion. Uncountable.
[Person] Why have we not met them?
[Other] They will come. Some to deceive. Some to teach. Some to save.
[Person] What is our place?
[Other] A place of lovingkindness.
[Person] But where in the Universe?
[Person] Wait….I feel….I feel so strange just now.
There is a touch. A presence. A promise.
[Other] You are always with me, to the end of ends. Always in my Mind.
a clean break
this bitter end
more than I can chew
I shrug on a windbreaker
kick shoes out of the damn way
dramatic exit vexed by that fucking screen door
I didn’t fix
and I kick it too
adrenalized thoughts come in a billowing storm
careful what you wish for
drop the car keys on the front mat
a clean break
well I got one hand in my pocket
and the other one’s hailing a taxi cab
but actually I walk
seeking scenery into which I can blend
crazily I scan with lowered brow
graveled shoulders as they go by
while raucous weeds and dog ends
call out their derision
I once heard that a King knows what to do
and does it
but I am no king
and I never did Believe, you know
I never did
but this night
as I hunker down
ditch-bound for a smoke
is it my spirit that rises
ventriloquist of my heart
and I hear,
in my hallowed halls,
“Please.”
***
Image credit: Henri Prestes Photography (from Pinterest)
No country for young men
Who knew that it would hurt so much?
That mornings would sometimes feel like death,
its great hand pressing upon his chest?
That giving up would feel like a warm bed.
That going on must be bought with great courage and resolve?
The vernal equinox another slow tick in time.
A youth sees this species,
in rapt fascination, then revulsion.
Bones’ outline propels oversize pants,
held aloft with button-on suspenders.
When was THAT in style?
Hey, why do you have to pay for everything so slowly,
dumping your money on the belt?
Can’t you bring someone with you to bag those groceries?
But, the slow stooped man with suspenders has some happiness today.
The lady at the cash desk.
She’s kind and patient. Not condescending or patronizing.
She knows what it has taken for him to come here today,
and why he comes alone.
The impatient young man is aware of glances cast his way,
and indeed there are.
Some stand with him, wishing the line to move more quickly.
Others disapprove of his display.
And, maybe one or two have taken a lesson to heart.
The young man turns and goes,
as if he has just remembered something important.
The bones remember
A little boy of three who misplaced his mother.
And, as he grew,
a bird of shadow brought to him
a terrible knowing.
Aloneness and fear.
How to bear?
How to do?
Who will care?
Singleness incubates a strange and strong beauty,
and the bones remember its learning.
At marrow’s end they keep, in plasma, our stardust.
Revere them. Lay them well,
that a life may knit with the cosmic.
Forlorn
Have you awakened
from a theatre of tears?
You know,
you smiled and cried,
as did the players
who once were yours.
Sweet one,
may this day help your heart home,
and give respite from your tireless search
down the winds of the world.
There’s no coming back
might it be
that you hear me only
as a poorly played horn
a bothersome oboe
as you rest in the wheeled chair
with your gown of faded flowers
and a tray of uneaten food before you
I think you have left little of yourself
to control this bird’s body
its care no longer a concern
its eyes they watch something
but not this room
not this person who is me
are you privy to the divine
forsaking all else
a week ago
inches from you
I cried.
you knew
at least that.
you knew,
for there was a wistful smile
a swimming back
and now
I make my peace
because I know that you take with you
something of me
