What they say

a)  Stop eating at least two hours before bed.
b)  Develop a bedtime routine.
c)  Avoid unnecessary lights, like TV and computer screens.
d)  Use your bed for sleeping.  If you know you can’t sleep, get up and do something else.
e)  If that fails, do mental exercises that will weary you (not counting sheep)
f)  Remove any clocks from your room.  It will lessen the anxiety.
g)  Drink warm milk.
h)  Try to empty your mind.
I)  Eliminate any sources of noise.
j)  Do not over-stress about sleep.  It will come.

What I do

a)  Bring a muffin with me, in case I get hungry.
b)  I have a routine.  Turn on the humidifier, stick the night guard into my mouth, take about six different pills, fill up the water bottle, put on the air mask, stick that bolster under my legs for the back pain, find that most comfortable position after ten tries.
c)  Take the iPad to bed, snap it into its holder, so I can read and write laying on my back.
d)  If I can’t sleep, read some more blogs and write some more silly poems.
e)  Mental exercises include naming the 50 states, and trying to remember the words to
“I am the Walrus”
f)  Set my alarm for 7:30 so I can drive my wife to work, then go back to sleep.
g)  I tried this, but it makes me pee five times.
h)  My mind is already empty.  I fill it with ideas of what to write tomorrow,  what bills I forgot to pay, whether the car will finally conk out, thinking I have made conflicting appointments, hoping that meeting with the newspaper editor will go well.  And, if I happen to get a sudden inspiration to write, I turn the iPad back on and go to town before I forget.
I)  Noise?  No problem.  Close the bedroom door to drown out the wife’s snoring from across the hall, and put those earplugs in for good measure.
j)  Instead of over-stressing about sleep, I play a game with myself.  I try instead to stay awake.

out shopping I see
a little girl in her Mom’s shopping cart
still in her baby shoes
she laughs and kicks
keeps saying Hi to everyone
she has but two teeth yet
the mother blushes a bit and smiles
people in a wide radius are smiling and pointing
what a scene for a painting
my heart is pierced

a cashier I did not like much
because of her brusqueness and impatience with some people
I would not talk to her because of her manners
there came a day when one of her fellows passed out on the job
and hit his head
she was the first one to clear the area
call the ambulance
and cushion his head
yelling for a nurse or doctor
I see her differently now
I go through her line and give her my respect
I learned something

the girls at my wife’s work
see me bring her tea every day
they smile, think it’s funny
some are forward and chat me up
I joke around a little
it’s going on thirty years
one girl, there for the last five
so shy
I hardly see her say a word
my wife sends me there at Christmas time to return something
says to go and see that girl, she knows about it
we have never had a conversation
I do the return, make to leave, say Merry Christmas
She looks at me a bit strangely, I think I see a little tear
then throws her arms around me
says Merry Christmas! Then my name.
We both blush
I am awkward, I am awkward
but the sun has come out on this dark day.

Are you going on holidays?  Buy our pills, or you could get traveler’s diarrhea.
(a woman in a white bathing suit runs toward a public bathroom, which is lined up out the door)

Adults over 50 should get the Shingles vaccine.  Talk to your Doctor.  (May cause death in rare cases)

Someone is shown enjoying a drink with a little umbrella in it.  Palm trees wave in the background. There’s a close up zoom on the ice cubes.  Did you know that Hepatitis C can be spread in many different ways?  Get the Twinprix vaccination.  Talk to your Doctor. Because you are a Traveler.

A woman is shown about to give a keynote speech at a business presentation.  She is nervous.  As she points to some items on the screen projection, a sweat stain is visible.
Buy our deodorant, or you could wind up like this.  Sweating and maybe smelling too.

Two neighbours chat in their driveway.  One has just bought a spanking new truck with all the bells and whistles.  “Yep, just got this baby.  Twenty thousand off too.  Too bad about your broken Volvo”.  The other guy with the Volvo has been watering his brown lawn, and his hose suddenly goes limp.

Two women talk in the kitchen.  One is a neighbor who has just walked in, dressed appropriately in a smart business suit.  They talk about dishes.  The smart one, when she sees the dishwasher open, says “Oh My, you have spots on your dishes.  You should be using Cascade.  The other lady, instead of hitting her, looks crestfallen.  Lesson learned.

If you’ve been hurt, or are going to be hurt, in a car accident, call the Four Diamonds Law Firm.  We’ll get you what you deserve from those nasty insurance companies, or you don’t pay.  Of course, “what you deserve” is subjective, and we will take our 90 percent commission, thank you..

A clumsy woman in her kitchen goes to take her turkey out of the oven.  She slips on a goddamn toy her toddler has left on the floor, grabs the tablecloth, everything goes on the floor, and she rubs her hip.  At Manulite Insurance, you’ll be covered for things like this.  Our motto is “You never know”.

After her death,

We cleared out Mother’s house.

Among the found things were

A stained brown envelope with a marriage license from 1932

A jewelry chest full of baubles we never saw her wear

In with the baubles, wrapped in plastic, someone’s baby teeth

An old leather bound Bible we never saw her read

Pressed within its pages, a ringlet of hair, mine I am sure

A four leaf clover

A dried dragonfly

My baby picture, wallet size

In her ancient trunk,

A folded fur, musty smelling

A letter belonging to her mother, who had a lover, dated 1887

Inside the fur, opera glasses

A moth-eaten raggedy Ann (her childhood friend?)

Hat boxes without hats

In fuzzy black and white, she and Dad on the grass

And

A new brown envelope from the Hospital

She never showed us, never showed us.

All gone now.